Simply Girly

I have just gone through a breakup. Technically it was my first big girl boyfriend too. I can’t say he was my first love, because I have been blessed to love many (through friendships). I have had friendship breakups before, and this pain I know pretty well. It is an impossible pain that I’m still bewildered is so common.

Reasons for our Breakup:

We broke up because of the same problems we had at the beginning of the relationship (which I hear happens often). I told him my boundaries in our first conversation, and he said he respected and loved them. He told me many things like how committed he was to me, and when that fell apart, I was angry. It all felt like a lie.

I guess after our time together, he learned he didn’t like my boundaries, and they were not giving him what he wants. He is young, and still learning about himself. But this tore me apart because I felt like I wasn’t enough for his love. I gave it my all too, so that stung.

“Red flags”

I changed through our relationship. I started ignoring myself and my gut because he always soothed me with kind words, and I chose to believe them. At first, I knew it wasn’t wise, but my mind blurred over time, and I became more and more complacent in becoming the version of me he wanted, not the one I am or want to be. I thought thats what it meant to be in a relationship. To compromise. But I was slowly (very slowly) letting go of parts of myself I had been so sure of before.

Over time, my internal voices became loud, and I began to panic. I would randomly get frustrated with him. But when he reassured me nothing was wrong, I blamed my frustration on my anxiety or stress from school.

I always tell my friends that the world will gaslight us, its important we don’t gaslight ourselves. Giving advice is often easier than following it.

I thought I knew who he was, because of how our relationship started, and the patterns I saw. His patterns lasted so long, that I painted a picture of who he was, and was convinced he was my person. Boys I think, can sometimes choose patterns of behavior based on what they think women will like. That, I think is sad. It’s sad they feel the need to perform a certain way, and its sad that they can.

I don’t blame him, I just think we were young. He didn’t know what he wanted, and told me we wanted the same things and maybe he convinced himself we did.

When he learned about himself, I was still holding on to the stories of our first days. I almost couldn’t connect the two people. The man I had seen for months, and the man who was saying all these new beliefs.

Being a Girl and “Maturing Faster”

There are theories that women’s brains grow faster, and I think this may be both nature and nurture. We carry so much emotional weight from a young age and learn quickly how to adapt. Menstruating women also have fluctuating hormones every month, and we learn how to self-soothe, self-regulate, and unfortunately, silence ourselves sometimes too. Because we must still perform, help others, protect those we love, and do it with a beauty.

The expectations are endless, and I learned from a young age, to meet them. I never knew how deep my longing to care for others ran until I was with my now ex boyfriend. I loved the caring, the protecting, the working, the figuring out how to help. I think maybe too much. I noticed that I fight to battle other people’s wars. Sometimes because mine are terrifying, and sometimes because it is what I had been taught to do since I was young. But that doesn’t give others room to grow and mature.

Perhaps men do grow slower, but it is not my responsibility to grow any adult man. Accepting this is a hard time coming. It feels sometimes, like I gave up on him, and I do not want to be a coward. But I am not capable of changing someone. I am no more and no less than human.

I am not responsible for any adults emotions. I wan’t to repeat that until it really sinks in.

Female Friendships Can Be Healing

With my friends, I can relax. They take care of me, and I let them, and I know they are more than capable of anything. I think sometimes with men, I doubt it, mostly because I have seen them choose not to take responsibility for their own conflicts.

I remember crying about my breakup and missing my ex boyfriends comfort. I slept over at my friends house, and three of my girls hugged me. It reminded me of how Jesus fed 5,000 people with 5 loaves of bread. I was begging for one person, and here I was with three. I love my friends, and I can never thank God enough for the women I am blessed with.

Finding Strength Again

It is painful to be a woman. In every way the word pain can mean. I cannot begin to fathom the pain of mothers. Somehow, there is so much grace in women too. Jesus is no foreigner to pain, and he has blessed us women with so much of his goodness. It is a hard world, and women are stabbed with all its needles. We cup our hands over our chests as they bleed, so the grass can stay green, and others do not have to suffer.

God has placed a wall between me and my now ex boyfriend, and I fought with him for a while. I begged to bleed and cry just a little longer, so I can feel the bliss of caring for a man. He said no.

Jesus protects me and I get to know him so intimately because of my pain. He won’t lose me, and he is a man that will fight for our love forever. He doesn’t break his promises. He doesn’t wear a mask or lie.

May he strengthen us all through heartache, and remind us of real love.

My lovely readers and beautiful women, I hope we may all grow to be wise as serpents, and harmless as doves. Knowing when to step away and let go, and finding the strength to be kind.

Best,

Med girly.