Simply Girly

Why can I not write? Part of it I think, is feeling I have nothing worthy to share. I have chosen a field where what I say is going to matter, but in trying to sensor myself, I have stopped speaking.

I am only a person, and yet, everyone looks at me differently. People have started taking my word for truth, even when I don’t know what I’m talking about, and thats terrifying. I don’t want to be right, I want to be heard. I want people to toss my words in their mouths, roll them over their tongues, and taste their flavor. Decide if strawberry or mango is right for them, and spit it out if they will.

I love people’s brains. I love how different we are. How little my life aligns with others, how no one can really understand my line of thinking sometimes. Last week, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I had no idea, because I only know my way of life. It’s like discovering you need glasses. When people are young, they think the world is simply blurry, and once they wear glasses, they know others see differently.

Did you know, we all see colors differently. My red, and your red is not the same. Our eyes perceive color, and lines, and bubbles and pictures differently. And ourselves, and each-other.

How could I tell you my perception, and expect you to accept it. I, like you, am only human. But people say I am becoming a doctor, and that means my words are heavier now, on others than before.

Death is becoming something I understand, I spend so much time with it, it isn’t as scary. I mourn loss but I know what it looks like biologically. When people are ill, my brain runs through symptoms and cells and chemicals before it feels the pain of illness. I have empathy, but it sits beside logic. This is a change.

My emotions are forced to quiet very often. I have things to do, people to hear, things to learn. I don’t have time to feel it all, I must move.

And in this, a sort of adaptation took place. To move and survive, my brain and body changed. Like exercise that breaks down the muscles while will pushes the bar. Further and further, I push, like other students, so I can help.

I just need reminders of why I do this. Why I burn and cry and shake and hold it in. It is so I can have a steady hand when I hold someone’s else’s.

This isn’t easy, but I love to listen, and I love how even smeared across the face of the earth, all our thoughts are incomprehensibly different. Perhaps that is part of my reason for enduring too. I get to put on lenses, even for a brief moment, and see a new color once in a while.

I recommend everyone go into medicine, because every person truly is amazing, and medicine helps you see and know it every day. May God guide us all to know each-other and seek to understand.

Happy New Year,

Med Girly