Simply Girly

Learning to set boundaries is one of the most significant lessons I learned in my gap year. Coming from an immigrant household, much of my family does not understand some western terminology, and teaching them while teaching myself was challenging. Learning to accept myself as someone who has emotions and requires care in all realms, in and of itself was a whole journey.

However, setting boundaries with family members was essential in maintaining my health and progressing as an independent person. My family sometimes wants me to help them with all of their emotional problems, and with their own relational conflicts. Although I seek to support them, I had to draw a line because my personal issues had taken a back seat for many many years due to the sheer magnitude of the crises I was involved with.

I learned it’s okay to take care of myself and pause my involvement in their problems because I honestly was not truly making any difference in their lives. Most of their issues stem from internal roots and problems that I do not have the capability to solve. Learning that I do not have the capacity to help others all the time was extremely humbling, extremely terrifying (because I am so keen on control), and extremely freeing.

In addition, I was simply teaching others to rely on me in an unhealthy manner. I realized that some of my family tended to act more childish around me when it came to emotional regulation and reasoning, and this was because I had taken responsibility for their actions growing up. I recognize that especially as a child, this wasn’t my choice, but it now, it is.

I choose to allow others to grow without imposing on their personal problems, and I choose to understand my own capacity.

Drawing the boundaries themselves was seemingly impossible. I had to decline when my parents asked me to help with their relationship, and I also had to decline when my brother had outbursts because I would not be involved in his reaction towards our family members.

Letting adults choose to be adults, and forcing myself to stop feeling responsible for the behaviors of others is an extremely wonderful lesson I had the opportunity to learn.

I hope we can all learn to set healthy boundaries. May God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.